Yes, it was the premiere of The Apprentice, with Donald Trump AND Mark Burnett.
The two tons of fun.
Everyone was feeling so fucking proud of themselves, and I was too.
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Why I stormed out of the Apprentice premiere partyby HappySysiphus, Unknown News
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Jan. 14, 2004
For the last three years I have had the dubious distinction of working in the casting departments of five separate "reality" TV shows. I was never thrilled about it, but when I started, I justified it to myself because the work I was doing was lucrative and enjoyable, and it was disconnected from what was going on the air.
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You see, my title was: Casting Dailies Editor, which meant I was taking the audition tapes sent in by the suckers, I mean applicants, and the interviews conducted by our tireless staff, and splicing them all together for the network types to watch.
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I had an epiphany:
"I just helped to send a message out to millions of children to hate people like me."
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Before I came on the scene, this was just a matter of slinging together some sound bites in the chronological order in which they presented themselves. I, on the other hand astounded the entire industry by developing a reel cutting technique that looked deeply into the material and presented the person in a way that made them jump out of the screen at the execs. Subjects addressed in the interviews were magically coupled to footage that illustrated the same point, or even better illustrated clearly that said contestant knew very little about themselves.
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My employers and co-workers were all very pleased with the way my reels turned out. To everyone's drop-jawed disbelief the Vice President of NBC "Reality" came by my cubicle to personally thank me. I received a nickname, "The Doctor." And all of the little objections I had in the back of my mind just faded away.
Cut To: Last Thursday Night, Gotham Hall, 3rd Street Promenade, Santa Monica California. Imagine one of those velvet rope lines that makes everybody think you are important when you stand in one. Inside, a giant screen television tickled our eyes with Donald Trump's helicopter diving behind his skyscraper that contained his self-proclaimed "Best Apartment in New York" that is decorated like some blind decorator was asked to hire a rapper to spend as much money as possible on pink things.
Yes, it was the premiere of The Apprentice, with Donald Trump AND Mark Burnett. The two tons of fun. Everyone was feeling so fucking proud of themselves, and I was too.
The cast which my boss, Rob Laplante (28) had sold to the network with my little commercials was without a doubt the best in the history of the genre, at least if Mark Burnett's opinion can be considered proof of that fact beyond a reasonable doubt, and even if it can't no one in Hollywood is going to say different. All the little fawns that had frolicked their way across my screen as mortal human beings were now running around New York City trying to sell people lemonade for $1000 so Donald Trump wouldn't turn back into a pumpkin, and it was just grand. We were all so fucking PROUD of them (not to mention ourselves.)
It really is odd to watch these people go through their transformation. I always had my favorites that I would watch closely. In particular from this cast I remembered David Gould. A man who had his MD, his MBA, and a high-genius I.Q. Mostly I remember how funny he was and in such an intelligent way. When the decision was made to send his highlight reel out to Mark Burnett and cronies I remember feeling like maybe I had done something decent with my time in Reality TV after all. I had helped to put forward an example of a real live genius that wasn't crazy like all the other geniuses in fictional Hollywood. This guy was a gem, and everyone would see it.
Then came the "Reality" reality check.
The anti-intellectual sentiment had already been set up, but I read it wrong. Some sniveling little ass kissing joker had said "Sure he has an MD and an MBA, but I can't relate to him." I had laughed at the sniveling little man and thought nothing of it.
Then when Trump lined himself up opposite them and it became obvious that it was between Mr. Snivel and Dr. Gould I could feel it starting to sink in. They had shown David frolicking with a sign to drum up business and I was amused, but I was supposed to think he was a nerd or even a dork and hate him. Then when Donald Trump harrumphed out the verdict that Dr. Gould, the most qualified and intelligent member of our glorious cast would be the first one cut, I was supposed to feel exalted by the victory of the underdog, but instead I had an epiphany: "I just helped to send a message out to millions of children to hate people like me."
I turned to my wife and she was already preparing to go. We walked out in front of every single person I had helped to hurt our nation. And I will never work in this town again.
© 2003, by the author.
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