A comfortable state of mind

Jan. 31, 2004

To XIX

Here Here!

I too am transgender. Also I am a feline or how some say, furry. Just try to explain to someone that is "normal" that you are truly an androgynous male appearing panther stuck looking like a female human. I hope someday to get whisker implants, tattoos and get my fangs replaced that my mom had shaved down to flat hyuooman teeth while I was having my teeth pulled for braces when I was 12. I am also saving my pennies in the futile hope of getting this friggin udder off my chest. It's slow going since income is pathetically nil and I am living in my mom's basement. Sometimes I get so pissed off and frustrated at this situation I was born into(quite against my will) (who of us asked to be here anyway), I think of all sorts of vengeance fantasies against the "system".

The current state of FTM penis construction is a joke and it's physically incredibly risky. At least the sexist white males dominating this culture allow surgeons to figure out a way to construct female vaginas better, and I hope this gives you a bit of comfort in hope transitioning. I think the males in this culture might be very threatened by women becoming more of a man than they think they are, especially how this culture depends on men degrading women.

Female to Male transpeople face a culture that assumes women want to have babies, they pressure girls with babydolls and barbies, pink, lace and dresses and to me it is so repulsive.

Fundy Christian parents are very controlling about gender and sexuality. Fundies want girls to accept powerlessness. They want girls to desire children as if aspiring to motherhood and domestic servitude is somehow the best life a female can hope for. What a crock.

What is so taboo in this culture about admitting you are not cut out to be a mother and can't handle kids, hate doing housework, hate wearing dresses makeup and nails, don't want to submit myself to arrogant males, or anyone else, and would abort a fetus if you got pregnant and not regret it at all?

My choice creates plenty of problems for controlling people who pressure others to accept being bound by beliefs and biology into a life of discomfort, duty and unhappiness. Still "Christians" say gawd makes no mistakes ... well, someone somewhere made a horrible mistake with me. Being born in the wrong body, wrong species sucks worse with this absurd notion being born with an uncomfortable body means you are stuck with this discomfort. On top of that this idea one must abide with all the cultural baggage associated with a biological curse upon your different spirit must remain to torture you until you die is just sick. I get all sorts of crap from ignorant people who can't handle my felineness. The anthrocentric anti-animal mentality runs deep in humankind too.

Men who can't fathom why a man would want to become a woman, act like idiots to her. People who can't cope with a woman who refuses to accept her body act like jerks too. Humans who can't fathom why a human does not want to be human anymore act like idiots to me. When will people grow past their assholes?

But spirit, thankfully, is changeable, it can transcend way beyond the limits of the human body, the limits of cultures, the limits of beliefs, the limits of the way things are.

I am thankful spirit is in our dreams, desires, muses, hopes and love and can transcend into better existences. If those of us who are freer than the rest could not imagine a better existence, how could people do anything better than simply exist and destroy in this sick reality, making a ugly mess of our short, very mortal, very unpredictable, incredibly vulnerable, lifetimes that are still wasted by being unhappy and fiddling with bullshit?

As far as I can define it, Sanity is simply a COMFORTABLE and HONEST state of mind. Finding a comfortable state of mind while being honest with yourself does not require a cultural framework to sanction it or define it. Shrinks can't comprehend sanity without getting rid of the social contexts and 'normal' which are lies. A comfy and honest state of mind has nothing to do with how obedient you are to authority figures, how well you get along with others you can't stand, how much crap you own, or how well you "fit in" with others and meet their expectations. It has nothing to do with wealth or status or power or domination. It has nothing to do with intelligence, creativity or popularity. A comfortable state of mind has nothing to do with a person's ability forcing others or making others act or be a certain way so you will think you are safe (leadership). As far as I can tell sanity exists inside you alone, and is experienced independently of what others do, be or say. A long term comfortable and honest state of mind is something very rare to see in people these days, not because it's not there but a person who can be comfortable in their own mind isn't spooked by shadows or hung up on memes or controlled by archetypes. Their locus of self-control is planted firmly inside them. ... They know right from wrong.

I say, find sanity in any way you can, as long as it is not bullying, cruel or abusive to others. Abusiveness and bullying has a big part in making all kinds of people feel uncomfortable in their state of mind and unhappy in their life and body. Trauma actually destroys the physical brain and it takes years to heal from it.

Why should ANYONE happy or not be forced to live a life that is dictated by another's frightened misery or an entire societies frightened misery because 'society' feels so out of control? Why should anyone who isn't a rigid, greedy, controlling and defensive personality type be forced to live among so many greedy, selfish, controlling, so defensive, miserable, personality types making things suck? A sick culture is one that says it's ok to destroy a person's life just for seeking a comfortable state of mind, in a way that works for you that harms no one else, really. Why can't the control freaks that already have too much power to harm in this culture, who are STILL threatened by us despite that live without us? Why do they seek us out ? Why do screwed up people seek out transfolk, gays, brown skinned people, smart people, artists, freaks, etc., etc. just to bully or harass us, even going out of their way to tell us how we "offend them" because of our differences and our presence?

What is so evil about wanting to feel comfortable in your own body and mind for awhile in this rotten world? What's so awful about expressing your compassion, speaking out against injustice or corruption, and the sickness that is normalized, and choosing to be kind to people you might not understand rather than be a jerk? Why must anyone who feels stuck living in a wrong body, be forced to accept the wrongness because too many others assume what is 'right' for them, must be right for you because you were born the same genders or species?

XIX ... my wish for you is to create a comfortable state of mind, and to have a body that you feel at home in.

I hope your transition is quick, easy, the surgery is skillfully done, and your new life is everything you need it to be to be comfortable inside yourself. I wish you find your true happiness. I wish happiness for your wife and the marriage you seek to happen. I hope that you will have your new name to go with that new life. You deserve happiness and peace.

Maybe someday, if I win the lotto or something, I hope I will have enough money to get the surgical help I need to have a chance to feel comfortable in my own skin too. It has been a long time since I felt at home inside this body. Thinking on it, I don't think I ever felt at peace in here. I try very hard to comfort my mind and keep myself in a state of peace and serenity in a sick society that tries to tear it apart all the time. It's a constant vigilance a fight that never ends that doesn't need to exist it's so senseless. Despite this crazy culture I find by my own desire to be genuine helps me cope, speaking up for myself helps me, creating art helps me and connecting to kindred spirits whenever I see them helps me and keeping the hell way from assholes, and not excusing, tolerating or taking their bad behavior because I know do not deserve abuse from people who are my equals, that helps a lot.

Sometimes the pain of all this shit gets overwhelming. Sometimes the injustice I feel about living in this existence gets to me.

Sometimes the empathy for transpeople, different people, all the vulnerable, scared, manipulated, bullied and abused people and beings in this world crying for someone to care, to help, to listen, to acknowledge their pain, or stop the agony they feel this fact of this existence, this condition of this life, when it gets to me it just makes me explode with agonizing emotions of many kinds. It's not always easy to keep ones' poise, decorum and cool when it hurts you to care.

Sometimes I just feel futile and think about quitting the whole life trip when it gets so friggin painful. But I remember the connections I have with the folks around me my GBL trans "family" and the support of my sweetie-pie Carl, and my three wonderful catfreinds, even reading Unknown. ... all these wonders conspire among the shit of life and this connection is what keeps me around another day.

It's true friends and kindred spirits that is a balm for the scorched souls.

When I saw in the "No Special rights for Christians" article, where you said, that you are trans too, I felt happy to hear from a kindred transforming spirit here at Unknown speaking in truth to anyone with ears to hear.

Purrs,

=Underground Panther in the Sky=