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A visit from Anti-Claus
by The Alchemist, Dec. 23, 2004 Twas the night before Xmas And all through the land The People were huddled And did not quite understand They groped in confusion And sang the old songs But despite all of their hoping They knew something was Wrong. The twins Jen and Barbara were tanked to their tits Quite literally snozzled right out of their wits King George and Pickles Upstairs in their bed Snorting lines and martinis To fog up their heads While out on the commons The bums they did freeze All the shelters were overfull With no room to squeeze Out in the heartland Our plight was quite clear Purchase heating or presents But not both this year Deep in an underground bunker Buried underneath Virginia Evil Cheney did hunker Chortling evilly, with that horrible grin yah! “What new catastrophe can I plot What carnage can I plan? To further dear Halliburton’s lot At the expense of the working man? I’ve got it! Dick suddenly exclaims His eyebrows shooting up to his cap, The buggers are planning a Christmas But, we’ll just see about that! And deep in the shriveled place that Evil Dick called his heart A small warm glow was kindling At the thought of what was to start And over the keypad, his fingers they flew As he dialed up the cell phones to his favorite crew. “ Ridge, Rove, Rice and Rummy! Get over here quick you overpaid dummies!” We’ve got to terrorize Christmas The people must know That Santa can’t save them Our power must grow! Cancel all Flights, Close all the roads Spread the word that Christmas is Closed! Terror! Terror! Get Murdoch on line! Plant an Al-Qaeda story! We haven’t much Time! Put the Alert on Red, Duct Tape the Tree Arrest anything that looks even slightly Christmas-y And away sped the minions With missions of woe (Condoleezza even knocked over the sprig of mistletoe) And as Dick sat back Congratulating himself Little did he reckon On a certain Jolly Old Elf. As Dick was pouring himself Some (anti) Holiday Cheer His locked door burst open Wiping off old Dicks leer And there in the doorway In all his Northern Glory Stood a glowering St. Nick His beard all wild and hoary. Though normally jolly, our elf was quite dire His eyeballs rivaled the glow of the fire With a quick stride and “Shit!” St. Nick strode in, said “Sit your ass down” with a nod of his chin Barely had Cheney's ass hit the couch Than Santa began raving, a scary old grouch “Just what in the hell do you think you are doing you sniveling F%*#wad, you evil stooge for the warmongering corporate doo-doo heads! You want to scare honest folks the other 364 days of the year, you go ahead you double-dealing two-faced judas goat! But Christmas is MINE! Santa was so pissed he forgot to speak in iambic pentameter. And putting his thumb to the end of his nose, He blew a raspberry, and ended his prose. Santa then stooped real quick, and came up with his sack It was strangely different, in fact it was black. And not a friendly black, like a kitten, oh no It was the searing absence of a roiling black ho’ And with a flick of his wrists, in popped old Dick (If you blinked you missed it, Claus was that quick!) As Santa reboarded his sleigh with a grunt, He pulled out his Newton, and began to hunt For the next name on his “bad” list this year Muttering “How do you spell Schwarzenegger?” The Alchemist
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